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About the author
I. M. Kidding wanted
to be a writer already before he was born. But he soon lost his ambition when he
realized that it would be a rotten life. He was more interested in having fun.
In order to do so, he worked in factories, for the railways, as a waiter and a
cleaner.
Finally he was
allowed to spend his time in an office. In this blissful state the years rushed
past him. Before he knew it, he was forced to retire. How to fill all those
empty hours? He remembered his ambition as an embryo. He started putting a few
words together. And he realizes now that being a writer is really a rotten life.
CHAPTER 1
red Browne
could hardly wait until dinner was over. He knew that his host, Lord
Squashbuckle, would never discuss business while he was eating. Usually, that
didn’t matter because any transaction suggested by this grey and somewhat
dilapidated gentleman amounted to not much more than trifles. But this time
it was different. Fred had received a letter urging him to Squashbuckle Manor,
because exciting and extraordinary discoveries had been made. The presence of
Lady Diddlewit as the other guest suggested that something big was brewing
indeed! The good woman, who had inherited a vast fortune from her husband, was
known as a great benefactor of grand and adventurous schemes. It was her way of
getting the thrills she had missed so badly during her married life. Finally, with
dinner over, they withdrew to the library for drinks and the long awaited talk.
It proved by no means an easy task! Whenever Lord Squashbuckle touched alcohol,
his speech impediment of pronouncing every ‘s’ as a ‘sh’ took over. His
listeners found it hard to concentrate on what he was saying. Lady Diddlewit’s
mind often wandered into the past and was a bit confused when it came back to
the present. There was a rumour she only pretended to be hard of hearing so that
she could be left alone with herself. “Well, now we
can shettle down to bushinesh.” “What was
that?” asked Lady Diddlewit. “The Lord said
we can settle down to business,” shouted Fred. “What
business?” “I don’t know
yet. He is about to explain.” “Good. But
speak up dear, so that I can hear you too.” Lord
Squashbuckle cleared his throat. It continued into a coughing fit which made him
spill his whisky. He jumped up. “Come on,
Ruthbert. Spare yourself the dramaticals, we are not impressed.” Lady Diddlewit
was slightly annoyed. “Damn it! I
hate washting a good drop! But never mind.” He sat down again. “What I have to
tell you, ish by far more important. Wouldn’t you agree that our dinner wash
delicoush?” “It certainly
was,” answered Fred. “But what has that got to do with matters at hand?” “Everything.
Not long ago, I employed a new cook.” Fred felt
irritated. My God, I hope he doesn’t want to open an inn or something like that. “But thish cook
ish not jusht another cook. He hash alsho an egshtraordinary mind. He ish
something of a shcientisht.” “Amazing.” “Shertainly
ish. And he hash worked out something of great interesht. We all know about the
Shtar of Stunned
silence. Fred didn’t quite comprehend the logic behind the statement. But Lady
Diddlewit smiled and exclaimed: “Yes, of course. The Star of “There doesn’t
seem to be any connection.” “But there ish.
My cook hash found out that the Shtar of Bethlehem wash a comet and when it
finally fell to earth, it landed in the shouthern continent. Wouldn’t it be a
great idea to go and find it?” Lord Squashbuckle looked directly at Fred. He
smiled and his voice became sweet, sounding somewhat like a siren with a cold.
“You come from a family of shelebritish. They all have been famoush in their
time. And you yourshelf are a dashing young man.” “What are you
getting at?” But it wasn’t
hard to guess. Lord Squashbuckle wanted to send Fred to the Fred didn’t
agree. It was certainly an interesting venture. The Star of “I’m shtunned.
But I hope you will conshider the proposhal before you give ush a definite
anshwer.” “There is
nothing to consider. I’ve got my reasons.” Right from the
time when he was a young boy, Fred had learned an important lesson. Over and
over, his father had told him how dangerous it was to be a public figure. And
there were some grisly facts to support the statement. Throughout history, many
Brownes had suffered from overexposure. During the War of the Roses they had
supported various characters and had spoken out in their favour. Unfortunately,
they had often chosen the wrong ones. Many Browne lives were cut short in that
time, usually through beheading. It didn’t get
much better later. One of the female Brownes caught the attention of Henry VIII.
She would have been lucky if that was the only thing she caught from him. But
no, she had to go ahead with the affair and died of syphilis not long after.
This made Henry behead her brother because he was furious that the bitch had
passed away before he could kill her. The next
generation of the Brownes wasn’t much smarter either. When the virgin queen
Elizabeth needed a new lover, she chose one of them. He had been hanging around
the throne for so long, she couldn’t help noticing him. Stupid, conceited fool
he was, he thought himself in paradise when he finally held the virgin in his
arms. Not long after,
he really was in paradise. He just couldn’t keep up with certain demands of the
monarch. But his worst mistake was when he told her one night he would make love
to her the French way. He was seized immediately as an enemy agent and the
virgin had to look around for another victim. Later, one of
the Brownes made a murderous blunder when he was interviewed about his opinion
of Oliver Cromwell. “Cromwell? Oh no, I don’t think he will ever come to power.
We English wouldn’t want to become puritans. We like our bit of fun and love
entertainment.” The sentence
was remembered a few years later and he entertained the puritans when the
executioner had a bit of fun with him. Which made his son quickly sober up and
declare everything human a sin. He learned to despise all the vanities of the
flesh and even despised the flesh itself. Life was nothing but a torment. No
wonder he was released from his agony permanently when Charles II came back and
the English rediscovered fun and a jolly good show. When Fred had
reached the age of fifteen, his father followed in the footsteps of the
ancestors. Many people at the time felt that a Browne should take over running
the country. They told the poor fellow so often and so long about his duty to
the nation, he started believing it. The other candidate for the job as Prime
Minister was a completely incompetent man called Pitt. Fred’s father
started campaigning. He often told his listeners about his opponent: “Who could
live with him in one country? It would be better to go to the other side of the
world than remain in the country with him ruling.” Pitt won and
Fred’s father was made to keep his word. He was sent to Off he went
again to another place where he couldn’t annoy anyone. In He finally came
home and retired a bitter man. Soon after he died before he could repeat his
statement about not becoming a public figure. But Fred had
learned his lesson well. He swore to himself he would never fall into the traps
of his ancestors. He would not run any risks. No great adventures for him, thank
you. Just remain one of many and bathe in the glory of mediocrity. And apart from
that, he didn’t want to leave Lady Diddlewit
interrupted his thoughts. “Why doesn’t anyone say anything?” Fred snapped
back to the present scene. “I’m sorry, I have been thinking about the past. I’m
afraid it took a bit too long.” “Nonsense! You
never can think about the past for too long!” Lord
Squashbuckle was getting a bit nervous. He rubbed his nose faster and faster as
if he wanted to reshape it. “Look, thish ish getting ush nowhere. I can’t
undershtand why you want to refushe our offer, Fred. Think of it. To have the
Shtar of Bethlehem. It would be the mosht preshious find of all timesh. And you
get a continent in the bargain. We can alwaysh claim the land ash our own.” “For heaven’s
sake, what would we do with it?” “I don’t know.
We could alwaysh shell it to the highesht bidder.” “But how about
the Dutch? They have been there and might want to claim it. They even call it
New Holland.” “That doeshn’t
matter. We English alwaysh do that. Look at “And the
government? They wouldn’t let us get away with it!” “Oh, you know
how shlow our government ish.” “Who is slow?”
asked Lady Diddlewit who felt it was time to be part of the conversation again. “Our
government,” repeated Lord Squashbuckle. “True, true. My
husband and I invited them for tea last week but they didn’t come.” Fred was
astounded. “I thought your husband had passed away a few years ago.” “My goodness,
how time flies. You can’t hold on to anything any more.” And then, Lord
Squashbuckle dropped a bomb. He said he was quite willing to let his three
daughters go with the expedition and assist Fred in all personal matters. They were the
loveliest girls and Fred had harboured secret thoughts about them for a long
time. The idea started to interest him. After all, he would find a way to keep
himself in the background. He could always state he had been forced to sail. “I’m sure we
find a way to keep you in the background. We could alwaysh shtate you had been
forshed to sail.” “You must have
been reading my mind.” “What have you
been reading?” Lady Diddlewit enquired. “Was it a good book?” Agreements were
drawn up. Fred Browne was to command the ‘Endeavour’ and look for the unknown
land and its treasure. Luckily, they could keep the mission a secret. The
scientific cook had told Lord Squashbuckle that 1769 would also be an ideal year
to observe the transit of Venus. They brought this fact to the attention of the
Royal Society. It didn’t take the gentlemen long to agree that this was indeed
of great interest. But who could
observe it? One had to go to The Royal
Society was very pleased when they found out about Lord Squashbuckle’s planned
expedition. What a jolly good fellow! They applauded him and were almost
ecstatic when they heard that Fred Browne was in charge of the ship. The ‘Endeavour’
left Also on board
was a rich young man, called Banks. He wanted to go on a cruise because his
doctor had told him it would be the only way to get cured of his split
personality. Frequently, he changed personality and believed he was a Swedish
botanist by the name of Dr. Solander. He brought with him a few of his servants
who in turn sometimes believed they were artists. And then, of
course, the three lovely Squashbuckle girls. Yes, the gentleman had kept his
word and sent them along to keep Fred company during his long journey. Their
father had told them he placed great importance on this venture and they should
keep an eye on Mr. Browne. If he didn’t stand up to expectations, they had to
take matters into their own hands. The ‘Endeavour’
sailed from After that, to And finally to Fred sent the
cook to interview her since the man obviously knew more about heavenly bodies
than the others. He didn’t return for three months. The goddess was in dire need
of human contact again, after floating around in space for so long by herself.
When the cook came back he looked tired and worn out. He had worked very hard.
But he had made some amazing discoveries and his curiosity was more than
satisfied. The gentlemen of the Royal Society would be stunned by the
revelations. Now, it was
time again to go and the ‘Endeavour’ weighed anchor. Unfortunately, it had
become heavier during the stay. It was hard work to pull it out of the water. And then they
went off into the unknown. A few months
followed with nothing but water around them. Life became monotonous. Even the
Squashbuckle girls found it hard to spread happiness on board. Morale amongst
the men sank lower and lower and many of them wanted to quit their job and be
sent home immediately. But in the end they made it to Fred gave them
a bit of time to recover and do some sightseeing and shopping. Some crewmembers
were so impressed by the place, they decided to recommend it to all their
friends and relatives as an ideal holiday spot. Time flies when
you are having fun! And so it was off again to their next destination. After a
short trip the man on watch called out: “Land!” No answer. It
was early in the morning and everybody was still exhausted from last night’s
drinking session. “Damn it! Can’t
you hear? I said: Land!!!” The watchman
ran up to Fred’s cabin, stumbled over the three Squashbuckle girls and woke his
master. “Sir, I have sighted land.” “Later, John,
later! Don’t bother me now!” “But, Sir, this
might be Terra Australis Incognita.” “So what? It’ll
be there for a little longer.” Both were
proven right. It was Terra Australis Incognita and it was still there when Fred
finally came out of his cabin. By then, the news had spread and the deck of the
ship started to fill with pale but nevertheless curious people. The last one to
arrive was Banks. He had decided not to be Dr. Solander any more and had lost
interest in any new discoveries. Fred conferred
with the cook. “Is this the place where we find the Star of Bethlehem?” “No. According
to my calculations, we are too far south. We have to go up the coast. I’ll let
you know when we hit the right spot.” No sooner said
than done. The ‘Endeavour’ swung around to enter a new chapter in history.
A New Chapter in History
They arrived at
a large bay and came to a sudden halt. The cook, who
was standing beside Fred, shouted ecstatically: “Mister Browne! That’s it! We’ve
hit the right spot!” “We sure did.
It will take us some time to get off the rocks and repair the damage. We
shouldn’t have employed that guy. He was always a reckless driver.” Fred, the three
Squashbuckle girls, the cook and a few crewmembers went ashore and had a look
around. But there wasn’t much to see. The land was fairly monotonous, dotted
with eucalyptus trees and bush. They set up camp and worked out plans on how
they would go about finding the Star of Bethlehem. They would explore all the
areas around the bay because it had to be somewhere. The next
morning they split into two groups. Fred went out with one party while the cook
took the rest of the people along. The Squashbuckle girls stayed behind to do
the housework and prepare dinner because the men would be hungry when they came
back. The day passed
without any major incident. In fact, it was downright boring. They walked and
walked and walked but the landscape didn’t change one bit. In the evening Fred
summoned up their feelings of disappointment in two sentences: “No wonder the
Dutch didn’t stay here. Who wants a place like this?” But the cook
was of a different opinion. “I don’t agree. I love a sunburnt country.” It was not
until some days later that something of interest occurred. One of the members of
Fred’s party walked around some trees and was suddenly confronted by a few black
people. “Jesus!” he
exclaimed. Fred was
overjoyed. “Did you see him? That’s great. Then the Star of Bethlehem can’t be
far.” “Come here,
Mister Browne. The Aborigines want to make contact with us. Maybe they know
something we don’t.” And maybe they
did because they gesticulated wildly, pointing in various directions. Fred found
it impossible to make out what they wanted. It was necessary to establish some
form of communication. So he gave them a copy of ‘English as a Second Language’
and invited them to the camp for lessons. They came and made rapid progress
under the guidance of the Squashbuckle girls. Now it was time
to name the new country. They all agreed that Terra Australis Incognita was too
cumbersome. New A week later a
catastrophe occurred. They ran out of tea. Fred went back to the ship to have a
talk with Banks who had locked himself away because he suffered from
homesickness and he wasn’t even sure whether it was for Fred approached
Bank’s cabin and knocked.” May I come in?” “Certainly not!
We’re just comparing notes on English and Swedish shrubberies and don’t want to
be disturbed!” “It will
greatly add to your fame as botanists if you let me enter.” The door
opened. “Hello,
Browne,” said Banks. “Hello,
Browne,” he repeated but this time with a Swedish accent. “Listen, matey,
this place is teaming with plants that nobody has ever seen before. You’d better
have a look around. And while you are at it, you might find something we can use
for tea. Our supply has run out.” “In that case
we’d better do something about it,” said Banks with an accent. “You like your
cup of tea, don’t you, Mr. Banks?” “I sure do.
Especially when we are working late, like yesterday.” Banks turned around.
“We’ll see what we can do.” With this
problem solved, Fred returned to the camp. He was overjoyed to hear that the
Aborigines had just learned all about comets and the Star of Bethlehem and were
eager to talk to him. He immediately went to meet them. “Yes, what is
it?” “We’re sorry to
have to disappoint you, Mister Browne, but you won’t find what you’re looking
for.” “Why not?” “You Star has
vanished forever.” “How come?” “The very bay
your ship is anchored in holds the answer. Originally, the shoreline around
these parts was all straight. One day, a long time ago, a comet crashed down
here and buried itself deep into the land. Parts of it broke away and drifted
out into the ocean, never to be seen again. The water rushed in and ever since
then this bay existed, and a number of inlets, estuaries and coves further
north, which make an excellent harbour protected from the sea. But,
unfortunately, your Star of Bethlehem is gone for good, spread over the bottom
of all the oceans.” “Bravo,”
shouted the three Squashbuckle girls who had joined the conversation just in
time to witness the last speech. “We shall give you full marks for your effort.” They turned to
the elder amongst the Aborigines. “Before long, you will become just like one of
us.” So that was the
answer. That’s why they hadn’t found anything. Fred immediately gave the order
to leave in a couple of days. Just enough time for Banks and Dr. Solander to
collect enough plants for tea. Then he called the cook. “Bad luck! We’ve come
too late. The whole bloody thing has disappeared. Lord Squashbuckle will be
furious. We’ll come back with empty hands.” “Not really.
When you took possession of Cognita for him, he became the owner of a whole
continent. That’s something.” “Yes, but it’s
worthless. Who would want to buy it? No, I’m embarrassed. I want to ask you a
favour. You can say no but I would greatly appreciate it.” “What is it?” “If they ever
ask who discovered this place, would you mind saying that it was you?” “Why not? But
there is a slight problem. Who would believe me. I’m just an ordinary cook.” “I’ve got some
good connections in the navy. I’ll talk to them and arrange to make you an
officer of some sort. Maybe Lieutenant or even Captain. You’ll get a salary,
too.” “Sounds good to
me.” “By the way,”
said Fred and paused for a while, “we’ve never been properly introduced. My
name’s Fred Browne. You can call me Fred since we are in this together. What’s
yours?” “I don’t know.
I’ve been working in the kitchen since I was a little boy and they always just
called me cook.” “That’ll do.
Captain Cook sounds pretty good to me.” The rest of the
journey was fairly uneventful. Further north they unloaded all the rubbish they
had collected during their long trip. It went down to the bottom of the sea and
a vast number of corals built up around it. It should later become known as ‘The
Great Barrier Reef.’ Almost three
years after they had left Banks became
the centre of attention wherever he went. He was sought after by society,
especially when he brought his friend Dr. Solander along. It became all the rage
in
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